So, it’s been a while since I’ve updated this thing, but I’ve had plenty of thoughts today and probably only a few will come out in this.
My cousin, Scott, passed on today. He had a major heart attack over a week ago and has been basically in a coma since then. This afternoon, they ran a test and found there was no blood-flow to the brain after having already said he was 99.5% braindead. Really - never let a doctor tell you that I have become 99.5% braindead. Just have them say, “Completely,” or some variation thereof. Also - just pull the plug. I don’t want to be living and braindead.
I wasn’t really close with Scott. When he and I were both young, his family lived in Virginia and we’d visit them every summer. I’d usually sleep in the living room but hang out in his room quite often. We played a lot of NBA Jam. When the family moved to Millville and he was in high school, I remember staying over there and hanging out with him and watching the awful sports movie “Sunset Park” starring Rhea Pearlman.
He was only 3 years older than me. That’s the scary part. Heart problems are starting to become a “thing” in my family, courtesy of my maternal grandparents. It’s not hitting everyone - but here I am, about 100 pounds overweight (though I’m constantly assured I don’t look it) with semi-awful eating habits (though they’ve gotten better). He was thin. He seemed to be in good shape. Even after I get into shape, what chance have I get? Genetics are genetics and there’s nothing to be done about it.
I wish I could say these events are giving me the “go out and live life” attitude it sometimes does for some people. But it won’t. I’m just not that kind of guy. Whenever I get motivation for anything, it lasts about a week. And I’m just not sure how to fix that. Can I? Probably. But even once I get on the road to being better - when will I give up? I’m really just a defeatist. I know it - and yet, I do nothing about it. To those who know me - just look at my life and know I’m right.
This is a weirdly introspective post for me. I blame that on the scotch. There will probably be songs about it. Maybe. Maybe people will hear them and maybe they won’t. (And maybe there will be a post about the way I write songs for fun and for myself and not for others - and the times I write for others.)
Ahhhhhh… life. Also, realized today how it sucks sometimes to be cynical. Probably more on that in another post - but looking at my history on this thing, maybe there won’t be more posts. But then, maybe I’ll flood this thing with posts. We’ll see what happens.
Mostly, RIP Scott. Like I said on Twitter and Facebook - you were a cool cousin. Other than that, it’s one of those things that’s hard to put into words. But it’s one of those things I can’t find words for. Maybe one day. Maybe that’s why I write?
Fuck it, I’m rambling.
survey i had to take at work. it said don’t copy this page so i took a photo.
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